Testing my Legs.... Again

When I was 15 I had a total Forest Gump Epiphany... "I Loved Runnin". I went out one rainy Sunday afternoon and started walking around some of the horse pastures.. and then started running along the canal bank and found in fascinating that I could just keep going and I didn't fall over dead from exhaustion. It used to drive my Dad crazy when I would go running because I prefer running at night, and I tend to get lost in the darkness and run for long periods of time. I can remember hearing his walking stick through the night, this would cause my feet to move a little faster because this meant I had been gone for too long and he was coming looking for me.

I noticed how bright the stars where tonight in an almost moonless night while I was screwing new house numbers over my garage door. The chill in the air and darkness of the night caused something inside of me to stir. I ran into the house and got on my dust covered running shoes and a special safety jacket, so that cars might try to not to hit me and snagged my ipod and took off. I have not been exercising very often lately, this is due to pure laziness and excuses that are so easy to come up with instead of putting one foot in front of the other. As I stepped out onto the street and turned my music up the excuses started flowing..."should I go the 4 mile route or just run 1 mile tonight" ... NO! I just started running  and where and how far would be justified while my feet where hitting the pavement.
It took me about the first 200 yards to get my breathing in check and my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting of the houses as I ran by.

While I got lost in the lyrics of the random songs flowing through the earpieces my mind started to just let go of all the craziness of the past. When a word or phrase would key a memory I would look at the horizon and see those bright stars filling the skies and realized how insignificant my worries really are and the worries would again slip away.

I ran a little over three miles and felt amazing as I stepped back onto my doorstep again. I was amazed that I still enjoyed getting lost in the night as much as I did 13 years ago. So here is my great news today I now have my first Hobby box entry: Running.
Now I can run in the Buhl St. Patrick's Day 5 k on Saturday. I only signed up for the motivation to do something healthy... I am so glad I did.

Hobby Searching Day two

So after my first post I crawled into bed and fell asleep very quickly. It was so wonderful getting some of those anxious  thoughts out. I then thought "Oh Crap I hope I didn't make a really bad decision by putting myself out there for everyone to see and judge"! Oh well. I felt so wonderful after writing the  first post I cant make any excuses not to keep going.

I have been fighting a small cold for a week now so when I woke up yesterday morning with a headache I popped some Tylenol drank some coffee while the little shorties eat their CoCo Roos. Did anyone else realize that February 19 is still considered winter.... what the Flagnon! That Groundhog has lost his powers of weather detection. It was 28 degrees with snow flurries. So I held to my Blog promise and I headed to my Moms to drop of my little kiddos. I hung out with my Brother for a little while and then while they went to Church I headed to Sportsman's in Twin for a Fly pole.

So the closer to the store I got the more excited I got. I was prepared for fishing I had my rubber toed snow shoes on, four shirts, cloves, hat, and coats. And yes I wore them all into Sportsmans, I looked like a bonafide redneck loose in sportsman heaven. The only thing missing was the copenhagen in my wrangler back pocket and nothing I was wearing was camouflage.

So I walked back to the fishing gear with authority... I was on a mission and wanted to look like I had knew exactly what I was looking for. Then I realized something while looking over HUNDREDS of different types of fishing poles.....I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't freeze I continued "pretending" I knew what I was doing and picked out a pole with a reel and some special line and then your need fly's right???... But where are they? Oh no now I am like a wounded gazelle the Manly salespersons move in quickly when you flounder. So I had to ask in my most, I know what I am doing voice, "Where are your flies?"
"What kind do you want?" The Very Manly Salesperson asked.
Oh crap their is more than one kind! I'm doomed. So I smile and say " Please help me I used to fly fish as a kid and I really would like to get back into it again, could you please help me?" I spoke so fast I was surprised he caught it and didn't run away from the panic in my voice. I didn't cry even though I really wanted to. The tough guy talk and rubber boots just didn't do it for me I caved.

So once I picked out my flies and got all my special stuff put together I proudly walked up to the front to pay for my new toys and buy a fishing license. This little test is an expensive hobby, but will be worth the effort.

I headed down into an area of the canyon where I was hoping this wonderful Blizzard had been muted with no luck. So I headed home to pick up the kids and get some rest for the upcoming week of work. I have  the right tools now I can just carry them around with me regardless if weather permits.

So my Hobby box is still pending "Fishing" but there is always next weekend. I am just excited for the coarse of action I am already taking. I feel more independent and freeing just taking the opportunities for myself.

I have to work on some resumes this week besides my day to day work so I think that if the weather is pleasant I may test out some springs in the warmer Hagerman area. I am really looking forward to the quiet and stillness of just being. I miss calm quiet where your thoughts are the loudest thing around. Where you can just get lost in the surroundings.

Once again wish me luck and have a great week.

In the Beginning Day One

Hi my name is Jenni and I just got Divorced... Wow! I hate saying that.

I was just lying in my bed and could not turn off all the thoughts about what happened or will happen. My life is in a state of Transition... To say the least I feel like I am starting again at the bottom.

My sleeping son was lying next to me and rolled over and gave me a kiss goodnight. As I laid his little chubby hand back onto his side of the bed I started worrying, HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?

Here is the deal I know that I am not married any more. I am not going to put any reasoning for why mine did not work on the world wide web. Honestly I have two amazing little children, an Ex Husband that I will always respect and Love... even more when I see him find happiness, I have a career that pays the bills, the necessities...house car blah blah... I know I sound like I should not complain I have many Blessings.....BUT, I don't really know me anymore...

I really just need to put my thoughts somewhere day by day so that I can start the healing process.

I think that it would be retarded to get on this thing to Trash my situation that is not the purpose. I am really just hoping that their may be someone out there that could listen to me and give me advise for the next few months.

I was building this thing and got to the profile screen where it asks you to fill out your hobbies, music, books ect.. I realized that is a good start... so for the three months I am going to find out what I really Like.

At no fault to anyone but myself I have spent my life, so far, trying to make everyone around me happy at the expense to my own happiness. I want to show my daughter and my son how to be their own person.

I will post something every night on my quest to find me....

My father, and hero, used to tell me to "Buck Up Jenni" when I wanted to give up on something challenging. I can remember being 6 years old and struggling with reading. He would hold me on his lap practicing my weekly spelling words patiently encouraging me to keep trying while tears rolled down my cheeks.

I did High school Rodeo for a couple years. Super fun sport but the best part was the drive to the Rodeo. It was typically me and my dad up front talking the whole way there. He would talk about his beliefs in life and God. Tell me how scary relationships can be, and that I need to hold be more cautious of the people I associate with. It was always a beautiful day inside the cab of that Blue and White Chevy. Right before I was supposed to go in for my events I would get nervous and my horses could alway feel that as well. So my dad would talk softly to my horses to get them to the gates and then right before I was supposed to ride into the ring he would say "Get going Girl" not softly to me but with enthusiasm and a little bit of pride because I wanted to show him I was the best woman in that arena for the next 17+ seconds.

I really was not very good and the rush of the ride was always satisfying.....but I hated walking back to that horse trailer at the end of the night when I didn't succeed in getting good times... he would look at me and say "Buck up Girl you rode, I was so proud of you" . In my small little brain I didn't believe him. I wanted to be the best. My Father died Aug 9 2001, 2 weeks before my senior year. I went through all the actions of school but found my self in a similar place that I am feeling right now. My amazing Mom in a pursuit to make me feel again bought me a Horse 3 weeks before Rodeo season....Spook was AMAZING and my old faithful friend Tangent got to take some breaks. My Mom tried to fill the role, she would drive me to the Rodeos.....in silence, we were to sad to state the obvious. As I would get nervous right before I was supposed to ride I would get so forlorn knowing that no one could calm me or my horses down anymore. I finally decided that I just didn't like the competitive riding anymore...... I lost a piece of me because I quit something that I loved because I was week. I should have fought to be what he was always telling me I was a good person that Loved life.

So this is my attempt at Loving life again........ one step at a time.

Task number one starting February 19 Fishing. I used to LOVE Fishing.....so tomorrow I am going to take my little angels to Grandmas house for the day and I am going Fishing. Then I can see if it will go in my Hobby box. Wish me luck ;)