In the Beginning Day One

Hi my name is Jenni and I just got Divorced... Wow! I hate saying that.

I was just lying in my bed and could not turn off all the thoughts about what happened or will happen. My life is in a state of Transition... To say the least I feel like I am starting again at the bottom.

My sleeping son was lying next to me and rolled over and gave me a kiss goodnight. As I laid his little chubby hand back onto his side of the bed I started worrying, HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?

Here is the deal I know that I am not married any more. I am not going to put any reasoning for why mine did not work on the world wide web. Honestly I have two amazing little children, an Ex Husband that I will always respect and Love... even more when I see him find happiness, I have a career that pays the bills, the necessities...house car blah blah... I know I sound like I should not complain I have many Blessings.....BUT, I don't really know me anymore...

I really just need to put my thoughts somewhere day by day so that I can start the healing process.

I think that it would be retarded to get on this thing to Trash my situation that is not the purpose. I am really just hoping that their may be someone out there that could listen to me and give me advise for the next few months.

I was building this thing and got to the profile screen where it asks you to fill out your hobbies, music, books ect.. I realized that is a good start... so for the three months I am going to find out what I really Like.

At no fault to anyone but myself I have spent my life, so far, trying to make everyone around me happy at the expense to my own happiness. I want to show my daughter and my son how to be their own person.

I will post something every night on my quest to find me....

My father, and hero, used to tell me to "Buck Up Jenni" when I wanted to give up on something challenging. I can remember being 6 years old and struggling with reading. He would hold me on his lap practicing my weekly spelling words patiently encouraging me to keep trying while tears rolled down my cheeks.

I did High school Rodeo for a couple years. Super fun sport but the best part was the drive to the Rodeo. It was typically me and my dad up front talking the whole way there. He would talk about his beliefs in life and God. Tell me how scary relationships can be, and that I need to hold be more cautious of the people I associate with. It was always a beautiful day inside the cab of that Blue and White Chevy. Right before I was supposed to go in for my events I would get nervous and my horses could alway feel that as well. So my dad would talk softly to my horses to get them to the gates and then right before I was supposed to ride into the ring he would say "Get going Girl" not softly to me but with enthusiasm and a little bit of pride because I wanted to show him I was the best woman in that arena for the next 17+ seconds.

I really was not very good and the rush of the ride was always satisfying.....but I hated walking back to that horse trailer at the end of the night when I didn't succeed in getting good times... he would look at me and say "Buck up Girl you rode, I was so proud of you" . In my small little brain I didn't believe him. I wanted to be the best. My Father died Aug 9 2001, 2 weeks before my senior year. I went through all the actions of school but found my self in a similar place that I am feeling right now. My amazing Mom in a pursuit to make me feel again bought me a Horse 3 weeks before Rodeo season....Spook was AMAZING and my old faithful friend Tangent got to take some breaks. My Mom tried to fill the role, she would drive me to the Rodeos.....in silence, we were to sad to state the obvious. As I would get nervous right before I was supposed to ride I would get so forlorn knowing that no one could calm me or my horses down anymore. I finally decided that I just didn't like the competitive riding anymore...... I lost a piece of me because I quit something that I loved because I was week. I should have fought to be what he was always telling me I was a good person that Loved life.

So this is my attempt at Loving life again........ one step at a time.

Task number one starting February 19 Fishing. I used to LOVE Fishing.....so tomorrow I am going to take my little angels to Grandmas house for the day and I am going Fishing. Then I can see if it will go in my Hobby box. Wish me luck ;)